According to a new report released today, experts who have spent the past 2 years just observing you, say there’s no hope for you. The 200 page document was compiled to bring your attention to your innate and utter obliviousness to your sad, pathetic life. Experts also hope that their report will kill any hopes, desires and dreams you may have.
“Oh my God! It has been so painful for us to watch you living your shitty existence while hearing you constantly say crap like, ‘Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm’ or ‘For every problem there is an opportunity’ or ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’. I mean seriously, you just don’t have a fucking clue how hopeless your life really is,” says leading expert Jenny Abbey.
Experts say you should remember far more useful quotes such as, “trying is my first step to failure”, “good things ONLY happen to other people” and “there’s no point in doing anything when other people will always do it much better than me”.
Experts are astounded that despite your current fucked up situation, you have an eternally optimistic outlook that “things can only get better”. According to the report, nothing can be further from the truth. “The only thing you’ve got to look forward to is your death,” says Jenny, “and you’ll probably make a bloody mess of that too”.
The report urges you to:
- Stop listening to people who say you can do anything – this is what is called “false hope”
- Stop reading motivational material – this will do shit all since there’s no hope for you
- Stop believing in yourself – this will make your life easier
According to Jenny, they would have released the report sooner but they wanted to make it comprehensively clear that there’s no hope for your future at all.