New Report: There’s No Hope For You

Expert Jenny Abbey says you’re fucking hopeless

According to a new report released today, experts who have spent the past 2 years just observing you, say there’s no hope for you. The 200 page document was compiled to bring your attention to your innate and utter obliviousness to your sad, pathetic life. Experts also hope that their report will kill any hopes, desires and dreams you may have.

“Oh my God! It has been so painful for us to watch you living your shitty existence while hearing you constantly say crap like, ‘Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm’ or ‘For every problem there is an opportunity’ or ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’. I mean seriously, you just don’t have a fucking clue how hopeless your life really is,” says leading expert Jenny Abbey.

Experts say you should remember far  more useful quotes such as, “trying is my first step to failure”, “good things ONLY happen to other people” and “there’s no point in doing anything when other people will always do it much better than me”.

Experts are astounded that despite your current fucked up situation, you have an eternally optimistic outlook that “things can only get better”. According to the report, nothing can be further from the truth. “The only thing you’ve got to look forward to is your death,” says Jenny, “and you’ll probably make a bloody mess of that too”.

The report urges you to:

  • Stop listening to people who say you can do anything – this is what is called “false hope”
  • Stop reading motivational material – this will do shit all since there’s no hope for you
  • Stop believing in yourself – this will make your life easier

According to Jenny, they would have released the report sooner but they wanted to make it comprehensively clear that there’s no hope for your future at all.

14 thoughts on “New Report: There’s No Hope For You

  1. Interesting. Parents really need to prepare their children for failure from day one, otherwise life becomes a cruel joke. Every morning, until the day I left home at the age of 34, my mother would wake me up with a cup of warm milk and say to me: “You’re not smart, you’re not handsome, so know your limits. Reach for the sky if you want a handful of air; reach for the bottle if you want the truth.” What a woman.

  2. Is this for real? I mean really, it’s pathetic and crap what Jenny says. Or is this all sarcasm and just some Reverse psychology thing? This is the most awful and negative article I have ever read the whole day! When I read it, my reaction was “have a heart dear…” lol but anyway, i have had some good realizations.

  3. hahahah we should learn from this crazy b**ch! ^_^ wooohoo! awesome advice for all your fast learner kids (sarcasm) they might not dig it! =p

  4. Hilariously ironic,hahahaha! Jenny Abbey should consider writing a book about “What you don’t know would really hurt you”. I would have enjoyed reading every page of it. Thanks for the laugh.

  5. Well Elton.. for the first time in a long time I’m speechless. I wrote this post when I was feeling down. The idea just came to me in a flash as most silly things do.

    I just put a bunch of words together then try to pass them off as comedy… but dude, you made my day!

  6. Well, they are indeed funny. I should know, because I laugh at funny things and I did so whilst reading your stuff. So, nice, nice work. Keep it up! You’re doing fantastically, really you are.

  7. It’s something to think about… is it real or completely made up? Yeah Jenny Abbey is a heartless bitch who brings attention to people’s faults even if it makes them cry & wish that they were dead…

  8. These transmissions are being monitored by the technical division of Megalomania and Massive Big Ego Corporation, for use as intimidating tactics to cower our staff, our customers and government.
    Today, humour, tomorrow, WE RULE THE WORLD!

    THANK YOU, unsuspecting one.

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