Tiger Woods surprised everyone last night when he accepted the award for Cheater of The Year 2009 beating an illustrious group of competitors. Not contented to be Number 1 in the world of golf, earning hundreds of millions of dollars in endorsements and being a role model to kids around the world – Tiger Woods took on the challenge of cheating on his wife to win this very glamorous title.
To stay completely focused Tiger Woods said that it was absolutely necessary to keep his wife in the dark. “I had my eye on the prize the entire time and telling my wife about the countless prostitutes I was sleeping with would have ruined the whole thing. It’s like what I tell my kids everyday – you got to believe in your own abilities then go after what you want with fierce determination, never letting anyone get in your way… oh, and being completely selfish and an asshole goes a very long way – especially in competitions like these.”
Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, attended the Cheater of the Year awards ceremony last night with Tiger and was the only wife in the room. “I’m so proud of my husband. And look at this award… I really think we should display it in the bedroom so I can remind him every single day until the day he dies of his wonderful achievement.” Elin Nordegren said sarcastically while clinging onto Tiger’s arm so hard he was heard saying, “Stop it, you’re hurting me!”
When asked whether he knew he was in with a chance to win the Cheater of The Year Award, Woods said quietly so his wife Elin couldn’t hear, “It was only the other day after I had sex with, I think was my 50th prostitute, that I got a call from the organizers informing me that I actually made the top 3 – that was when I got in my car… I was so excited – I accidentally crashed my SUV into a fire hydrant and a tree. Thank God my wife was there with my favorite nine iron to rescue me from the wreckage.”
Elin Nordegren says she wants to make sure their two kids know their father as a highly successful ex-golfer who was admired by so many and the man who is now the new face of cheaters around the world. “You can’t sugar coat anything with kids. Just the other day I saw Jamie Grubbs on TV making her heartfelt apology to me… I pointed to the screen and I said “Look kids there’s one of the bitches Daddy had sex with.”
Organizers and those who attended the inaugural Cheater of The Year event hail it as a complete success. One celebrity cheater who wished to remain anonymous said, “It was a bloody great night! I may not represent Australia in cricket anymore, or able to get my arm over to spin bowl… but I can get my leg over anything in a skirt. And boy, I got my leg over many skirts tonight… just don’t tell the wife.”
Others remarked it was a shock to see Woods and wife Nordegren so close. “She never left his side for one second. Even when he asked his wife if it was okay if he went to the toilet, she was right there with him… it was such a touching moment.”
What now for Tiger Woods since retiring indefinitely from the golfing circuit? “I’m such a lucky man to have such a beautiful and forgiving wife. Now she has me by the balls… and I don’t mean golf balls,” Woods said laughing nervously, “So whether I live or die a very painful death is totally up to my wife.”