What Do Things Reveal About Your Current Situation?
- Things for Beginners
- The Truth Of Things
- Me, Myself & Things
- Life Before Things
- Life After Things
- The Boy Who Couldn’t Stop Things
- What’s Wrong With Things?
- The Joy Of Things
- Follow Your Thing
- Feel Your Thing… And Do It Anyway
- How To Be Thingy With Thing
- Things On A Harley
- Things Are No Laughing Matter
Tags: things, things to read
Expert Jenny Abbey says you're fucking hopeless
According to a new report released today, experts who have spent the past 2 years just observing you, say there’s no hope for you. The 200 page document was compiled to bring your attention to your innate and utter obliviousness to your sad, pathetic life. Experts also hope that their report will kill any hopes, desires and dreams you may have.
“Oh my God… it has been so painful for us to watch you living your shitty existence while hearing you constantly say crap like, ‘Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm’ or ‘For every problem there is an opportunity’ or ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’. I mean seriously, you just don’t have a fucking clue how hopeless your life really is,” says leading expert Jenny Abbey.
Experts say you should remember far more useful quotes such as, “trying is my first step to failure”, “good things ONLY happen to other people” and “there’s no point in doing anything when other people will always do it much better than me”.
Experts are astounded that despite your current fucked up situation, you have an eternally optimistic outlook that “things can only get better”. According to the report, nothing can be further from the truth. “The only thing you’ve got to look forward to is your death,” says Jenny, “and you’ll probably make a fucking mess of that too”.
The report urges you to:
- Stop listening to people who say you can do anything – this is what is called “false hope”
- Stop reading motivational material – this will do shit all since there’s no hope for you
- Stop believing in yourself – this will make your life easier
According to Jenny, they would have released the report sooner but they wanted to make it comprehensively clear that there’s no hope for your future at all.
Tags: desires, dreams, failure, hope, hopeless., no hope, success
Jordan did not perform stand-up drunk at the 2009 Comedy on the Rox Open Mic Competition
Jordan Paris has become the most famous weird name in Australia. Despite his claims that his name is real, however his jokes are not. He’s the contestant on Australia’s Got Talent, that got busted for ripping off comics Lee Mack and Geoff Keith. The judges liked his comedy routine so much that put him through to the semi-finals. Since the scandal broke, it’s unsure whether he’ll be able to continue in the competition.
As a comedy writer… who admits to writing her own crap, I was interested in talking to Jordan to get his side of the story. I was surprised that he was willing to do anyone (I should have known).
Here’s my interview with Jordan Paris, the “stand-up comedian”…
Me: Welcome Jordan! Thanks for agreeing to do an interview. How was your trip?
Jordan: It was one of those things where the 13 hour flight really felt like a… um… a 5 day trip on a… ah, plane.
Me: You flew from the Gold Coast to Newcastle… that’s like an hour flight
Jordan: That’s a double punch line right there.
Me: But it wasn’t even funny… you are not funny. Ok, let’s move on…
Jordan: I’m so excited, I’m ready to jump on a crocodile.
Me: So your Steve Irwin now… Steve Irwin’s dead you dumb fuck! You can’t just go around stealing people’s material
Jordan: But I have been literally doing it my whole life
Me: And you think that’s okay?
Jordan: At the end of the day, I was born to entertain… my whole life is like a comedy movie
Me: What sort of comedy movie?
Jordan: Yeah, a comedy based around 5 girls in a pop group. I’m the manager. The tour. guy. manager…
Me: That’s Spiceworld: The Movie.. about The Spice Girls. You describe your life as the worst comedy movie ever made?
Jordan: It’s funny…
Me: Again, it’s not funny… So tell me, what do you like to do in your private time?
Jordan: I like to sneak into hospital wards unannounced to entertain kids and parents, like a modern day Patch Adams. And sometimes that makes the nurses angry.
Me: What do you say to the nurses?
Jordan: Look, I’m famous…
Me: I’m surprised that gets you in. How would you describe yourself?
Jordan: Just an awesome actor… ha,ha,ha,ha
Me: Really?
Jordan: (pulls cigarette packet out of pocket, lights up a cigarette and starts smoking) And I don’t even smoke in real life…
Me: That says fuck all about your acting ability.
Jordan: I’m hoping my newly acquired skills will take me all the way to Hollywood.
Me: What skills? You have no talent! All you did was memorise Lee Mack and Geoff Keith jokes… then repeat them word for word on Australia’s Got Talent.
Jordan: At the end of the day imitation is the biggest form of flattery…
Me: That sounds like an invitation to me.
Jordan: It’s very comically clever…
Me: You won’t mind if I steal your material then… word for word.
Jordan: It’s all in the delivery…
Me: That’s right mate… and to quote you “I’ll deliver it how I’ll deliver it”.
Jordan: A bit of JP humour there.!
Me: There’s been a lot of negative feedback from comedians about you stealing material from comics and then passing it off as your own.
Jordan: What the fucks wrong with them?
Me: Well Jordan, comedians work really hard at writing their own material. Writing comedy is an art – a lot of time is spent of writing, rewriting, editing and putting it out into the world to share. For me, I love writing. Although I am no where as good as the people I admire like Tina Fey, Maria Bamford or Gabby Millgate, but everything I write comes from ME. Sure it’s just a bunch of crap but it really is MY crap. What you did was basically pull your pants down and do a massive shit all over that. How does that make you feel?
Jordan: It’s a feeling I’ve never had before…
Me: What… remorse, regret, sorry?
Jordan: I’m excited! I’m having a ball!
Me: Good to see you enjoying your 15 minutes of fame…
Jordan: The beautiful thing about this is that it gives me the opportunity to showcase my work.
Me: Tell me… what other “work” have you done?
Jordan: I had a hilarious on-going cameo as the comic relief on Australian Idol
Me: Nope, I don’t remember you at all
Jordan: I was the one wearing a rainbow range of bright suits
Me: Doesn’t ring a bell…
Jordan: I gained an instant national profile with catchphrases such as : “I love us!!!”
Me: Oh, you’re the guy Kyle Sandilands called a “mini Mark Holden” in your 2007 Australian Idol audition. No wonder Kyle looked shocked when you came out on stage on Australia’s Got Talent!
Jordan: I love us… we rule!
Me: What was it like to audition in front of Brian McFadden, Dannii Minogue and Kyle Sandilands?
Jordan: It’s a bit of a turn on, actually.
Me: You got horny?
Jordan: Well, I’ve never been with a lady…
Me: What’s the best line you’ve ever tried on a lady?
Jordan: I’m going to use “it”… I’m gunna have fun and laugh with “it”
Me: The ladies generally don’t want to know what you are going to do with your penis. You should really try something else… seriously. Before we go, any final words for the public?
Jordan: The world needs… a bit of Paris!
And there you have it, straight from the horses mouth. It was a pleasure delving into the life of Jordan Paris. What did I learn? I learnt that I should audition on the next season of Australia’s Got Talent lip-syncing “Spinning Around” while wearing Kylie Minogue’s gold hot pants.
Tags: Australia's Got Talent, comedy, Geoff Keith, Jordan Paris, Lee Mack, stand-up comedian, writing comedy
Witty Fan’s Comments