Priority Number One: Fix My Stuff, Julia

Dear Julia,

I’m not one to complain about stuff. I’m the one that will usually keep my mouth shut while I am going quietly insane. But enough is enough! My demand is simple, I want you to fix my stuff… all my stuff! I figure I have just about as much right as that person over there (you’ll just have to visualise me pointing to someone stuffing a cinnamon finger bun in their mouth outside of Baker’s Delight in Umina) to get stuff fixed.

There’s so much stuff that needs fixing. But then I stopped and I thought, “Why in hell am I doing all the work? Shouldn’t someone else do it?” And that’s where you come in…

I need you to take time out of your schedule to fit my stuff in. I know you can do it… you seem to be on a roll getting so much other stuff fixed that you give the impression that you are the “go-to” person to get all my stuff fixed as well. Sure, you’re not perfect… who is? And for the love of stuff, don’t let those nosey 3 male Independent MP’s get involved.

Let’s face it, men have no idea really. I just don’t trust them and they’ll fuck it up anyway, turning my stuff into something that wouldn’t even resemble what my stuff started out as. If they find out about this, just tell them I have my “period” and talk about “cramps”… they’ll suddenly lose interest.

I’m going to be honest here and say that the current state of my stuff is totally not my fault. It’s all your fault and you need to take full responsibility for all my stuff. So it’s only fair you fix it. If you could fix my stuff from your end and not involve me at all, that would be great. I’m indecisive and you’d only be bothering me while I’m doing jack-shit. Just hand back my stuff once you’ve fixed it.

I’m relying on you Julia… have already in advance pinned all my hopes on you. And just to let you know, I have set my expectations extremely high and I demand utter perfection. I know you won’t let me down.

There are things you don’t know about me and I’m quite scared about revealing myself to people. I’ve never been one to be very open about who I am. Opening myself up to others is the first step to a whole new world that I’m sure is filled with sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. This blog post is my attempt at letting people know the “real me”. Yep, the REAL ME. Not some fake version of me… although I still believe that I am just a figment of someone’s imagination.

So here I am, putting down on the web things that you don’t know about me. It’s going to be tough. But you kn0w what, I don’t care that these things may change your perception of me. “This is me… this is who I am,” someone once told me to chant.

• I love to swing… but not in the way you might think. I’m talking about Jazz.

• I hate walking under ladders. Even if it means I have to take the extremely long way around that will take me half way around the world.

• Uneven stuff. I can’t go past uneven pictures, towels, clothes or open petrol doors.  I won’t hear a damn thing you say if there is something wrong with your clothes. Whether your shirt sleeve or pants leg is turned up slightly, tags hanging out or any other improper wearing of clothes. It drives me insane and it must be fixed at once!

• I stop at pedestrian crossings… of course for the people crossing, but I just like to give everyone the opportunity to cross, even if they don’t want to cross right away. Someone could come out of a shop any minute and want to use that pedestrian crossing. And yet I have a compulsion to put my foot down when I see jay-walkers…

• 3/4 pants are full-length on me. I have really, really, really short legs…

• I embarrassed myself in front of Kylie Minogue. Yes,  I am a huge fan of Kylie Minogue! Have been since I was 12 years old. I had the opportunity to meet her during her “Intimate & Live” tour while I was a University student. So I had my very mature speech prepared which involved words like, “feminism, post modernity and discourse” and yet when I saw her come off the bus at the Entertainment Centre in Newcastle, I was dumb-struck. She walked up to me and I said “Kylie, did you catch the bus?” And she looked at me and said, “Yes!” I vowed from that moment on to use a spokesperson if I’m given another chance to talk to Kylie

• My therapists name is Nicky. Yeah, I’m that crazy!

• Big things in museums scare me. I freak out when confronted by big things in museums. I once waited for people to go through the Australian Aviation Museum at Bankstown so I could walk closely behind them. Sure, they thought I was weird… but that was the only way to walk past so many big planes. Anything big… I once freaked out while walking under a giant replica of a whale at a museum in Tokyo. Add to that list, wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men. The Museum of Tiny Things is less scary… and so cute too!

• I dance in empty lifts because no one is watching… I assume. But you will see me singing and bopping away in my car.

• And finally, and importantly – I am extremely happy… not any regular “happy”, the special happy.

Phew, that feels a lot better! I’m glad I got those things off my chest. I hope you have been enlightened by these things you didn’t know about me. But at least you can say you know a few things about me. And I am comfortable with that. Next step is to tell my therapist…

Orlando Bloom talking about Miranda Kerr again

Friends complained today that Orlando Bloom can’t shut the fuck up about Miranda Kerr. According to his close friends Bloom manages to bring every single conversation around to his wife Miranda Kerr.

Blooms’ obsession of talking incessantly about Miranda Kerr is now pissing his friends off. “I get it,” complained a close friend, “He married a fucking model and she’s clearly hotter than my wife but he doesn’t have to constantly rub my nose in it.”

“If Orlando Bloom talks about how beautiful his wife is or, how much his wife has changed his life or, how Miranda Kerr is a wonderful mother one more time, I’m going to punch him in the face,” said another close friend.

Friends have threatened to find another famous friend to hang out with if Orlando can’t find something else to talk about. Things don’t look good for Orlando’s friends as he has just told another close friend that he could “talk about Miranda all day”.

Staff at Dulux Trade Centre, West Gosford are sad to see Liz leave

Everyone is preparing to say goodbye to Liz Richards next week. Management at Dulux Trade Centre, West Gosford had made the decision on Friday to give Liz the sack after 25 years of loyal and dedicated service. No real reason was given by management for their decision, however they “have a week to think of something good.”

Since the decision to sack Liz, all the staff  have been busy putting up “Goodbye Liz” signs everywhere around the store. ”Liz is such a lovely person. I can’t remember how many times she helped me out when I wanted time off and there wasn’t anyone that would cover my shifts,” said co-worker Jerry Bayer while writing on the blackboard at the front of the store, “I’m going to miss Liz.”

Liz started at the store stacking shelves part-time after school when she was 16, eventually working her way up  to customer service. “Helping people with their paint and accessory needs has been Liz’s sole reason for getting up everyday,” Tracey Warner tearfully explained. Tracey who has worked with Liz for a year can’t believe that she’ll be leaving next week. “I love Liz… everyone does,” she said.

Liz has been described as the most hardworking employee within the store who hasn’t had any time off for 3 years until now.

“As soon as Liz returns from her well deserved week holiday we’ll be informing her she’s fired,” said Dulux Trade Centre store manager, Peter Clarkson over the PA system on Friday.

• What Do Things Reveal About Your Current Situation?

• Things for Beginners

• The Truth Of Things

• Me, Myself & Things

• Life Before Things

• Life After Things

• The Boy Who Couldn’t Stop Things

• What’s Wrong With Things?

• The Joy Of Things

• Follow Your Thing

• Feel Your Thing… And Do It Anyway

• How To Be Thingy With Thing

• Things On A Harley

• Things Are No Laughing Matter

Expert Jenny Abbey says you're fucking hopeless

According to a new report released today, experts who have spent the past 2 years just observing you, say there’s no hope for you. The 200 page document was compiled to bring your attention to your innate and utter obliviousness to your sad, pathetic life. Experts also hope that their report will kill any hopes, desires and dreams you may have.

“Oh my God… it has been so painful for us to watch you living your shitty existence while hearing you constantly say crap like, ‘Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm’ or ‘For every problem there is an opportunity’ or ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’. I mean seriously, you just don’t have a fucking clue how hopeless your life really is,” says leading expert Jenny Abbey.

Experts say you should remember far  more useful quotes such as, “trying is my first step to failure”, “good things ONLY happen to other people” and “there’s no point in doing anything when other people will always do it much better than me”.

Experts are astounded that despite your current fucked up situation, you have an eternally optimistic outlook that “things can only get better”. According to the report, nothing can be further from the truth. “The only thing you’ve got to look forward to is your death,” says Jenny, “and you’ll probably make a fucking mess of that too”.

The report urges you to:

• Stop listening to people who say you can do anything – this is what is called “false hope”
• Stop reading motivational material – this will do shit all since there’s no hope for you
• Stop believing in yourself – this will make your life easier

According to Jenny, they would have released the report sooner but they wanted to make it comprehensively clear that there’s no hope for your future at all.

Jordan did not perform stand-up drunk at the 2009 Comedy on the Rox Open Mic Competition

Jordan Paris has become the most famous weird name in Australia. Despite his claims that his name is real, however his jokes are not. He’s the contestant on Australia’s Got Talent, that got busted for ripping off comics Lee Mack and Geoff Keith. The judges liked his comedy routine so much that put him through  to the semi-finals. Since the scandal broke, it’s unsure whether he’ll be able to continue in the competition.

As a comedy writer… who admits to writing her own crap, I was interested in talking to Jordan to get his side of the story. I was surprised that he was willing to do anyone (I should have known).

Here’s my interview with Jordan Paris, the “stand-up comedian”…

Me: Welcome Jordan! Thanks for agreeing to do an interview. How was your trip?

Jordan: It was one of those things where the 13 hour flight really felt like a… um… a 5 day trip on a… ah, plane.

Me: You flew from the Gold Coast to Newcastle… that’s like an hour flight

Jordan: That’s a double punch line right there.

Me: But it wasn’t even funny… you are not funny. Ok, let’s move on…

Jordan: I’m so excited, I’m ready to jump on a crocodile.

Me: So your Steve Irwin now… Steve Irwin’s dead you dumb fuck!  You can’t just go around stealing people’s material

Jordan: But I have been literally doing it my whole life

Me: And you think that’s okay?

Jordan: At the end of the day, I was born to entertain… my whole life is like a comedy movie

Me: What sort of comedy movie?

Jordan: Yeah, a comedy based around 5 girls in a pop group. I’m the manager. The tour. guy. manager…

Me: That’s Spiceworld: The Movie.. about The Spice Girls. You describe your life as the worst comedy movie ever made?

Jordan: It’s funny…

Me: Again, it’s not funny… So tell me, what do you like to do in your private time?

Jordan: I like to sneak into hospital wards unannounced to entertain kids and parents, like a modern day Patch Adams. And sometimes that makes the nurses angry.

Me: What do you say to the nurses?

Jordan: Look, I’m famous…

Me: I’m surprised that gets you in. How would you describe yourself?

Jordan: Just an awesome actor… ha,ha,ha,ha

Me: Really?

Jordan: (pulls cigarette packet out of pocket, lights up a cigarette and starts smoking) And I don’t even smoke in real life…

Me: That says fuck all about your acting ability.

Jordan: I’m hoping my newly acquired skills will take me all the way to Hollywood.

Me: What skills? You have no talent! All you did was memorise Lee Mack and Geoff Keith jokes… then repeat them word for word on Australia’s Got Talent.

Jordan: At the end of the day imitation is the biggest form of flattery…

Me: That sounds like an invitation to me.

Jordan: It’s very comically clever…

Me: You won’t mind if I steal your material then… word for word.

Jordan: It’s all in the delivery…

Me: That’s right mate… and to quote you “I’ll deliver it how I’ll deliver it”.

Jordan: A bit of JP humour there.!

Me: There’s been a lot of negative feedback from comedians about you stealing material from comics and then passing it off as your own.

Jordan: What the fucks wrong with them?

Me: Well Jordan, comedians work really hard at writing their own material. Writing comedy is an art – a lot of time is spent of writing, rewriting, editing and putting it out into the world to share. For me, I love writing. Although I am no where as good as the people I admire like Tina Fey, Maria Bamford or Gabby Millgate, but everything I write comes from ME. Sure it’s just a bunch of crap but it really is MY crap. What you did was basically pull your pants down and do a massive shit all over that. How does that make you feel?

Jordan: It’s a feeling I’ve never had before…

Me: What… remorse, regret, sorry?

Jordan: I’m excited! I’m having a ball!

Me: Good to see you enjoying your 15 minutes of fame…

Jordan: The beautiful thing about this is that it gives me the opportunity to showcase my work.

Me: Tell me… what other “work” have you done?

Jordan: I had a hilarious on-going cameo as the comic relief on Australian Idol

Me: Nope, I don’t remember you at all

Jordan: I was the one wearing a rainbow range of bright suits

Me: Doesn’t ring a bell…

Jordan: I gained an instant national profile with catchphrases such as : “I love us!!!”

Me: Oh, you’re the guy Kyle Sandilands called a “mini Mark Holden” in your 2007 Australian Idol audition. No wonder Kyle looked shocked when you came out on stage on Australia’s Got Talent!

Jordan: I love us… we rule!

Me: What was it like to audition in front of  Brian McFadden, Dannii Minogue and Kyle Sandilands?

Jordan: It’s a bit of a turn on, actually.

Me: You got horny?

Jordan: Well, I’ve never been with a lady…

Me: What’s the best line you’ve ever tried on a lady?

Jordan: I’m going to use “it”… I’m gunna have fun and laugh with “it”

Me: The ladies generally don’t want to know what you are going to do with your penis. You should really try something else… seriously. Before we go, any final words for the public?

Jordan: The world needs… a bit of Paris!

And there you have it, straight from the horses mouth. It was a pleasure delving into the life of Jordan Paris. What did I learn? I learnt that I should audition on the next season of Australia’s Got Talent lip-syncing “Spinning Around” while wearing Kylie Minogue’s gold hot pants.

Stun guns can correct human behavior when used on testicles

I was flipping through the latest Woman’s Day magazine while I was in line at the supermarket yesterday. You see, I like to read the advice column…  I never know when I find something that actually applies to me that I can put into use. It’s cheaper than therapy…

I came across some real advice worth taking that could help every woman. I think…

Here is the actual letter that someone wrote to Woman’s Day asking for advice.

Dear Woman’s Day,

I recently found a wonderful man on an internet dating site. ‘I want an Australian husband and I’ve decided you will be it,’ was my pick-up line and it worked. We’ve been talking for about a year now and although we’ve never met face to face I know that I have found the love of my life. My problem is I have recently found out that he has asked an Australian girl out on a date. I can’t lose this man… not now when I am so close. What can I do to keep my man – and make sure he never, ever strays?

From Woman in Foreign Country

Dear Woman in Foreign Country,

If you are engaged to Shane Warne then my best advice is to run… run for the hills honey. This guy is a serial philanderer. Seriously, Google Shane Warne – you will find a picture of a douche-bag with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, a wicket in one hand and his other wicket in the other (if you know what I mean).

That being said, if it’s not Shane Warne hang onto him honey! Let’s face it, this is your last hope. You are scraping the bottom of the barrel here and if you can’t get this one down the aisle, you will forever be a spinster. It’s every woman’s dream to land a mail order husband – especially one as quickly as you have. So don’t give up now.

Cesar Millan says you should establish rules, boundaries and limitations. And you can do that simply with a stun gun. This useful gun will keep your man in check every time he casts his eye elsewhere. Aim for his testicles to show him who the pack leader is. To correct the behavior you should only zap him when he’s actually looking at another woman.

In the meantime… have that other woman killed.

Love Woman’s Day

As you can see ladies it’s really important to listen to Cesar Millan… he knows his stuff. And if your looking for advice worth taking you can never go past the Dog Whisperer.

I can see the Mantra from here!

I just want to be totally upfront with my readers… I am not writing a witty blog post today. I know – ‘how unusual’… but you know not everything about me is witty. I have a very deep side… a side that appreciates beauty in everyday things. Big things and little things capture my attention – cause it doesn’t matter how small a thing is I can still see it, even if my doctors keep telling me I’m imagining them all.

Ettalong Beach has so many big and little things. I would like to take a detour from my usual witty blog post, to share with you a few things I have noticed in Ettalong Beach that have inspired me. And with any luck I will inspire you to take a trip to Ettalong Beach… even if it was just for the day. It may just change your life!

Happy fish in Ettalong Beach

1. All the fish are happy in Ettalong Beach, according to this drawing done by the early people of the area. And the fish are constantly laughing out loud. As no one in my family said, a happy fish is a tasty fish. That’s gotta be good!

I did not drink this Fanta!

2. Half a bottle of Fanta that I did not drink. I don’t do that… let’s move on.

3. “I can see the Mantra from here” is a great game to play on the Central Coast. And you can see it from everywhere! I even see it when I’m in bed asleep. I recommend making the trek to the Barrenjoey Lighthouse and pointing out to your friend that you can see the Mantra from there. It’s a fantastic way to piss them off.

4. Alcohol Free Zones. These zones point out where I can drink my Coke Zero.

The only ice-cream shop in Ettalong Beach

5. Ice-del-ites of Ettalong has in-spir-ed me to write every-thing hyph-en-ated. Tasty ice-cream too!

I use this water for flushing - only

6. Bore Water, Pump Water or Toilet Water – which one will you choose? These signs inform others of where they are sourcing their water for domestic use. And for good reason too! This “Toilet Water” sign was found at the front of block of units in Ettalong Beach.

7. Seeing homeless shopping trolley’s reminds me that it doesn’t matter where you live in Australia homeless shopping trolley’s are everywhere. According to some statistic made up by someone, 80% of shopping trolley’s were made homeless during the Queensland floods. Only 5% of shopping trolley’s are homeless in Ettalong Beach.

Although this was not a witty blog post, I hope you enjoyed this little taste of Ettalong Beach as seen from my eyes. If you ever take a trip to Ettalong Beach and you see me make sure you say “Hello”.  I apologise in advance for ignoring you – I’m probably listening to my iPod.

Dan and Peter - Shakespearean actors

Street theatre came alive in Ettalong Beach on Friday night when a two man comedy-violence show took locals by surprise. Dan and Peter, who have known each other for 10 years, decided an impromptu street performance was the way to air their grievances.

The street performance that started in The Ettalong Beach Hotel quickly turned into  dinner theatre for guests at Ettalong Beach Motel. Dan and Peter took their performance to the corner of The Esplanade and Picnic Road, right next to the Motel, after being kicked out by the owners of The Ettalong Beach Hotel for their violent behavior and potty mouth.

“I told Dan that there wasn’t enough fuckin’ people in the fuckin’ Ettalong Beach Hotel… I knew that taking our performance to the streets where there was fuckin’ people in the fuckin’ Motel and on the fuckin’ streets, we could get more people to see our fuckin’ performance,” Peter said while wiping the blood from his nose.

Dan and Peter's stage - Cnr of The Esplanade & Picnic Rd

Jamie Smithers who was eating at Ettalong Beach Motel said, “It was so realistic! I couldn’t even tell it was acting!”

Amy Michaels who decided to go for a walk with her son before sunset stopped at a nearby look-out got more than she bargained for, “I don’t want to give the plot away but when Dan told Peter that he was going to ‘fucking kill him’, I knew my little boy who is 6 years old today, was getting the best cultural experience of his life.”

Locals are hoping that Peter and Dan will be back next Friday to give everyone in Ettalong Beach a follow-up performance. Dan said, “If Peter doesn’t give me my fuckin’ 200 bucks that he fuckin’ owes me, I’ll be back next Friday to beat the fuckin’ crap outta him.”