Seagull wanted for questioning

An innocent day at the beach turned into a nightmare for Central Coast local Samantha Banfield today as approximately 60 seagulls surrounded her. The 6 hour harrowing ordeal ended after police successfully negotiated her release.

“It just happened so quickly… I was sitting on a beach in Ettalong for about 10 minutes writing some funny crap for my blog, when I looked up and saw them all surrounding me,” Samantha  Banfield said with a crazy look in her eye. Samantha tried to leave the scene but the seagulls became really angry, flapping their wings and squawking very loudly. “I didn’t know what they wanted,” explained Samantha, “I’m not fluent in seagull.”

A passerby who had noticed the bizarre scene coincidentally near a Central Coast take-away shop had called police. The newly formed Seagull Negotiation Team flew into action and the entire Central Coast area was put into lockdown. Senior Sgt Adam Hawk, from the Central Coast Seagull Riot Division and totally fluent in seagull, said the seagulls “demanded a bucket of hot chips, a large grilled fish with a slice of lemon and 2 fried pineapple rings in return for Samantha’s release.”

Seagulls leaving the scene of the crime

“We talked the seagulls down to a handful of hot chips… they were not the smartest seagulls we have encountered. Next time we might not be so lucky,” Senior Sgt Hawk told the awaiting media outside a Central Coast Police Station. Hawk said situations like these are on the rise, and urges residents to take caution when venturing outdoors without taking at least a slice of bread or a couple of chips with them. “One mistake people make, is to throw pretend food in an attempt to make the seagulls go away, but that only pisses them off. There has been a case where a man was followed home one night and woke the next day  to find his entire home and yard covered in seagull shit.”

Samantha Banfield is recovering in a local Ettalong Beach Funny Farm on the Central Coast and has been labeled the craziest patient. The award ceremony is due to to take place tomorrow night.


Chocolate Bullets Exposé!

Blue Dude with large Chocolate Bullet

The ‘Lolly Bar’ located on Barrenjoey Rd Ettalong Beach is selling freakin’ large Chocolate Bullets. Large containers filled with hundreds of really large Chocolate Bullets sit on the counter leaving many to wonder what the local Government will do about such an atrocity. This shop has painted the phrase “Lolly Bar’ so large Aliens on Wackton can see it,  and they don’t even attempt to hide the fact that they sell Lolly’s inside – informing every child on the Central Coast where they can buy their “chocolate drugs”.

No attempt has been made by the owners of the shop to keep their containers of large Chocolate Bullets behind the counter, preferring instead to thrust these mouth watering Chocolate Bullets of pure heaven in the faces of chocolate addicts who walk aimlessly inside. Central Coast residents are warned to stay the hell away from the extremely large Chocolate Bullets – or else!


Central Coast Spider Refuses To Leave

"Rex" in the kill position

Despite being handed an eviction notice, “Rex” the Central Coast Spider, refuses to leave the place he has called home for the past 50 years. “These two girls have been here for 2 seconds and they think they own the place,” says Rex, “If anyone should go – it should be them!”

The two girls who have been described as “scaredey pants” by the entire insect world, feel that they are unable to leave their Ettalong Beach house with the spider only 10 meters from their front door. “I just don’t want to open the door and have Rex jump on my face unexpectedly… that freaks me out,” said Vanessa, “so I think it’s best if Rex packs his web, all those dead insects he’s hoarding and just piss off.”

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