Priority Number One: Fix My Stuff, Julia
Dear Julia,
I’m not one to complain about stuff. I’m the one that will usually keep my mouth shut while I am going quietly insane. But enough is enough! My demand is simple, I want you to fix my stuff… all my stuff! I figure I have just about as much right as that person over there (you’ll just have to visualise me pointing to someone stuffing a cinnamon finger bun in their mouth outside of Baker’s Delight in Umina) to get stuff fixed.
There’s so much stuff that needs fixing. But then I stopped and I thought, “Why in hell am I doing all the work? Shouldn’t someone else do it?” And that’s where you come in…
I need you to take time out of your schedule to fit my stuff in. I know you can do it… you seem to be on a roll getting so much other stuff fixed that you give the impression that you are the “go-to” person to get all my stuff fixed as well. Sure, you’re not perfect… who is? And for the love of stuff, don’t let those nosey 3 male Independent MP’s get involved.
Let’s face it, men have no idea really. I just don’t trust them and they’ll fuck it up anyway, turning my stuff into something that wouldn’t even resemble what my stuff started out as. If they find out about this, just tell them I have my “period” and talk about “cramps”… they’ll suddenly lose interest.
I’m going to be honest here and say that the current state of my stuff is totally not my fault. It’s all your fault and you need to take full responsibility for all my stuff. So it’s only fair you fix it. If you could fix my stuff from your end and not involve me at all, that would be great. I’m indecisive and you’d only be bothering me while I’m doing jack-shit. Just hand back my stuff once you’ve fixed it.
I’m relying on you Julia… have already in advance pinned all my hopes on you. And just to let you know, I have set my expectations extremely high and I demand utter perfection. I know you won’t let me down.
Tags: fix my stuff, fix stuff, fixing stuff, julia gillard, stuff fixed
There are things you don’t know about me and I’m quite scared about revealing myself to people. I’ve never been one to be very open about who I am. Opening myself up to others is the first step to a whole new world that I’m sure is filled with sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. This blog post is my attempt at letting people know the “real me”. Yep, the REAL ME. Not some fake version of me… although I still believe that I am just a figment of someone’s imagination.
So here I am, putting down on the web things that you don’t know about me. It’s going to be tough. But you kn0w what, I don’t care that these things may change your perception of me. “This is me… this is who I am,” someone once told me to chant.
- I love to swing… but not in the way you might think. I’m talking about Jazz.
- I hate walking under ladders. Even if it means I have to take the extremely long way around that will take me half way around the world.
- Uneven stuff. I can’t go past uneven pictures, towels, clothes or open petrol doors. I won’t hear a damn thing you say if there is something wrong with your clothes. Whether your shirt sleeve or pants leg is turned up slightly, tags hanging out or any other improper wearing of clothes. It drives me insane and it must be fixed at once!
- I stop at pedestrian crossings… of course for the people crossing, but I just like to give everyone the opportunity to cross, even if they don’t want to cross right away. Someone could come out of a shop any minute and want to use that pedestrian crossing. And yet I have a compulsion to put my foot down when I see jay-walkers…
- 3/4 pants are full-length on me. I have really, really, really short legs…
- I embarrassed myself in front of Kylie Minogue. Yes, I am a huge fan of Kylie Minogue! Have been since I was 12 years old. I had the opportunity to meet her during her “Intimate & Live” tour while I was a University student. So I had my very mature speech prepared which involved words like, “feminism, post modernity and discourse” and yet when I saw her come off the bus at the Entertainment Centre in Newcastle, I was dumb-struck. She walked up to me and I said “Kylie, did you catch the bus?” And she looked at me and said, “Yes!” I vowed from that moment on to use a spokesperson if I’m given another chance to talk to Kylie
- My therapists name is Nicky. Yeah, I’m that crazy!
- Big things in museums scare me. I freak out when confronted by big things in museums. I once waited for people to go through the Australian Aviation Museum at Bankstown so I could walk closely behind them. Sure, they thought I was weird… but that was the only way to walk past so many big planes. Anything big… I once freaked out while walking under a giant replica of a whale at a museum in Tokyo. Add to that list, wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men. The Museum of Tiny Things is less scary… and so cute too!
- I dance in empty lifts because no one is watching… I assume. But you will see me singing and bopping away in my car.
- And finally, and importantly – I am extremely happy… not any regular “happy”, the special happy.
Phew, that feels a lot better! I’m glad I got those things off my chest. I hope you have been enlightened by these things you didn’t know about me. But at least you can say you know a few things about me. And I am comfortable with that. Next step is to tell my therapist…
Orlando Bloom talking about Miranda Kerr again
Friends complained today that Orlando Bloom can’t shut the fuck up about Miranda Kerr. According to his close friends Bloom manages to bring every single conversation around to his wife Miranda Kerr.
Blooms’ obsession of talking incessantly about Miranda Kerr is now pissing his friends off. “I get it,” complained a close friend, “He married a fucking model and she’s clearly hotter than my wife but he doesn’t have to constantly rub my nose in it.”
“If Orlando Bloom talks about how beautiful his wife is or, how much his wife has changed his life or, how Miranda Kerr is a wonderful mother one more time, I’m going to punch him in the face,” said another close friend.
Friends have threatened to find another famous friend to hang out with if Orlando can’t find something else to talk about. Things don’t look good for Orlando’s friends as he has just told another close friend that he could “talk about Miranda all day”.
Tags: miranda kerr, orlando bloom
Witty Fan’s Comments